So very far down, up seems like an impossibility....

I hate this.  Levi just called.  He went to his boss, asking about the situation with the job.  Should he plan to come home?  This is what we both want.  Without a doubt.  I need him home.  He needs to be here.  He's been waiting for an answer from his boss for almost two weeks.

Today, he got the answer, and now he's in New York until after the first of the year.

Damn it. 

I'm going to cry.  Right here at work.  Yes, it's unprofessional.  I don't care.  I can't stand it.  The thought of being away from my husband for this long....the kids being away from their Daddy......him being away from them.....how am I going to explain to Julia especially that her Daddy isn't going to be here for Christmas? 

For yet another missed holiday.  For our anniversary.  For New Year's.  Since we've been together, we haven't missed this season together.  And now, we are.  After last year's holiday (which I was so sick and exhausted for), I was SO looking forward to enjoying and celebrating this year's holiday season.  And, I will...I will force myself to.  But, I won't be able to spend it with the one person that I was REALLY looking forward to spending time with.  We are going to miss our 8th wedding anniversary together.  Julia and Kevin aren't going to be able to spend Christmas with their Daddy.  He's going to miss this very special day with his kids - what's he going to do on that day?  Sit in my parent's house?  Alone?

I hate this situation.  I can't express to you in words the emotions raging through me right now.  Anger, frustration, extreme sadness, disappointment.  I'm so upset.  Why is this happening to us?  What could we possibly have done that was so horrible as to deserve this kind of result?  This isn't in some master plan - I'm sure of it.  There cannot possibly be a logical, ulterior reason for us to suffer the way we have been.  There just can't be.  I have no faith that this will work out as part of some master plan to make us stronger.  Screw that.  I don't want to subscribe to some thinking that what I'm going through is going to make us stronger or lead us to something better.  This can't possibly be the case.  If it is, at what point will the good come about?  I've been asking for it for a while - hasn't come through yet.  Doesn't seem to be on the horizon.  That I have to suffer this much for something positive seems to be the most ass-backwards way of thinking right now.  How's about using some logic and reason? 

I didn't need this today.  Of all days, I didn't need to cry today.  And yet, it's inevitable. 

Fuck.

*************************************************************
Update:  I still think this sucks, and I still stand by my previous post, but I wanted to let you know that I'm feeling better.  Still not woo-hoo, but I'm coming to terms with this situation.  For now. I still don't know how I'm going to tell Julia about her Daddy missing Christmas - I have NO idea how I'm going to handle that.  But, like everything else over the past couple of years, I will handle it.  Maybe not with all the grace and dignity I'd like to, but I will handle it and I will move forward and I will make the best with what I have. 

Blech.  I need a drink.  Hey Jim and Tom - is it 5 o'clock where you are yet? 

UP, down, UP, down

There are times when I wonder when this roller coaster is going to stop.  Will it?  I have hopes, and I have doubts.  Levi and I have been talking about his potential return to AZ.  Now, that looks like it's postponed/cancelled. 

I want to cry.  Right here.  Right now.  Just sit down and blat. 

But I can't.  I have things to do, and crying isn't going to resolve anything.  I might shed a few tears later tonight once the kids are in bed, but I will wait.

Is it too much to ask for?  I think it's a fairly small list - a good-paying job for Levi (just enough to allow us to pay the bills would be nice) that will allow him to come home.  I know that I should be (and I am) grateful for my health.  I am very grateful.  But, it would be SO nice to be able to celebrate this health with my husband. 

I want him home.  Now.  I can't believe that this month will be 8 months that he's been gone.  And, it's now been almost 4 months since I saw him last.  Doesn't seem possible.  And yet, it's been forever.

I feel like I need to tell my story to the world.  Shouldn't there be something done to right this wrong?  Shouldn't there be people shouting from the rooftops that what's happened to hardworking folks is an injustice, particularly while there are people being paid millions of dollars to play baseball, act in a movie, or sing a song (sometimes, badly)?  Where are our priorities? 

*sigh*  I need a hug from my hubby.

Good day....

Woke up this morning to the Muppets singing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.  *sweet*

Had a good day with the kids.  Got Mom and Dad's house ready for their imminent arrival.  Came home, got my copuons cut and put in my book, and was able to do some of the things on my to-do list that have been sitting there for too long.  #awesome

Went to the mailbox and my Christmas photo cards came.  $3.17 for 50 cards x 2 (the beauty of having multiple email accounts).  #freaking rocks

Mom and Dad got her.  Helped them unpack the house, had dinner, then off to Sam's to pick up the rest of the must-have groceries.

All in all, a good day.  Now, if I could stop having to blow my nose, all would be perfect.  (Well, that and having my hubby here...)

Thanksgiving....

Yes, I'm a couple of days late, but I have an excuse.  I was sick.  Again.  Blergh.  I think it might just be allergies (a result of a twisted desire to spend a traditionally winter holiday with the windows open in the house, I'm sure) but I'm monitoring symptoms, to be sure. 

Anyways, Thanksgiving was good.  We had made plans with friends to come over for a potluck Thanksgivin dinner.  The kids and I spent Wednesday night cleaning (because it just wouldn't do to have friends come over to a messy house....), then Thursday morning putting up Christmas decorations and the tree while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (another tradition).  After we got dressed, I made my contributions to the potluck, the apple pie and the mashed potatoes.  Well, I peeled the potatoes, and learned a very important lesson - DON'T PUT POTATO PEELS DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.  After a moment (or several moments) of panic, my next door neighbor came over to rescue my sink and my dinner from utter potato failure.  He was able to fix it, and I am forever grateful.  Friends came over, and we had a wonderful dinner.  All of the food was DELICIOUS, and the best part was that none of us had to cook everything by ourselves.  Might be the best part of the holiday.

Friday was good - I was able to pick up a couple of things on amazon for the kids and Levi (courtesy of free shipping and some gift cards I received from a website I subscribe to).  My allergies were at an all-time high that day, and a 2-hour nap seemed to help a lot.  Last night was spent vegging.

Today, the kids and I are getting my parents house ready for their imminent arrival (in about 8 hours...), which is very exciting.  It's been a really nice weekend, without deadlines and huge responsibilities.  Truly wonderful.


If you need a smile today, please check this link out.  I saw it this morning and it made me smile and laugh out loud.  I hope it does the same for you.

Just one of them days....

I haven't had "one of those days" in a while.  I mean, I definitely have days where I stay up at night wondering, how?  Why?  When?  But, it's been a while since I 've had a day that I felt compelled to blog about.  Until today.  These past couple of weeks have been chaos, to say the least.  I've been running in too many directions, and I knew there was going to be a time when I dropped one of the proverbial balls.

Yup.  Dropped it today - big time.  Dumb ass.

I was trying to be efficient last week.  Knowing how the weekend was shaping up to be, and knowing that the last thing on my mind after the Undy was going to be paying bills, I tried to be proactive and pay bills Thursday night, to be paid on Friday morning.  Went and did this, and realized that a couple of them wouldn't allow me to post-date a payment, so to speak.  So, I THOUGHT I cancelled the power company's payment.

Turns out, I confirmed it, then paid it again on Friday morning.  And, now my bank account is short by that $150.

To top it all off, I got home tonight and my water was shut off.  I knew I was a month behind - didn't realize I was TWO months behind, and poof.  No water.  No warning, and no water.  Great.  (It's back on now, but still...)

I called to see if I could squeak out a payment plan on the water.  And I could - if they hadn't just shut it off.  Now, I owe them the money past due (~$70), plus the reconnect fee of $70.  Um, what?  And, to get it turned back on tonight so we could, um, bathe and flush the toilet - yeah, that's another $10.  And to pay by check - $2.25 per check.  This sucked b/c I was trying to break up the pain by taking the money out of two separate accounts. 

I am now sitting here feeling like dog crap.  I called Levi to tell him, and we have no solution.  I already pulled what I could out of my 401k.  Anything else will constitute a loan.  I have nothing left in reserves that I can spare, so that's not good.  And, Levi doesn't get paid until Friday.  Right now, it's a waiting game to see who beats the path to the account first - Levi's check on Friday, or the two outstanding checks for the truck payment and the daycare check that haven't posted yet.  Here's hoping (insert eye roll here). 

This just blows.  This past week or two haves been so hard on me, emotionally.  Not having him here gets harder and harder each day.  I feel like it's a struggle to get up in the morning - I do, and I'm okay with it.  I just wish that he was here.  I feel like my other half is missing.  Then, I do this and see the repercussions.  And have to call him to tell him.  It's just so damn hard.

We have had a few small bites on jobs for Levi, but most people a) want him to start tomorrow or b) won't hire him sight unseen.  Okay - those definitely pose obstacles for us, and understandably so.  Why would you hire someone you've never seen in person, based on his assertion that he's a "good guy".  But, still - how's he supposed to get a job while he's there?  So, we are contemplating him coming home.  For a variety of reasons - there are definitely pros and cons, and we are waiting on some information from someone to determine whether the pros outweigh the cons.  It would be a risk to bring him home without a job, but then, he's not going to get a job if he's not here.

And, to add to all of this loveliness, they announced a furlough at work last week, and my whole company is going to shut down for the first week of January.  No pay.  No vacation can be taken.  Which means that the first paycheck of 2010 will be halved, plus that's the one that the increase in medical benefits hits.  Great.

*sigh*  Just a small break.  Really.  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think it is.  I am so tired.  I am so lonely.  And, I am so aggravated.  But, it's like I don't even have the energy to be aggravated. 

Undy 5000 - 2009

The Phoenix Undy 5000 was a rousing success.  I don't have the mental capability right now to put adequate words to the event....I'm so tired.  But, I felt like I needed to record this now, and I can put more later.  Tentative numbers are that we had around 1,000 people and that we raised around $100,000.  Final numbers will be released in the next couple of weeks, but the CCA national folks were pleased.  That's enough for me.

I do have pictures - I'll put them on at the end of this posting.  I can say that this was an amazing event, and to be a part of this event coming together was unbelievable.  To know that it all came together as well as it did - well, it's overwhelming.  Truly.

I got up at 4:15 this morning, and was out of the house at 5:00.  Made the obligatory stop at Dunkin' Donuts (it was early in the AM after all), then off to the race location.  Got there and parked about 5:50, and off we went with getting things set up.  We had people on-site by about 7am, but most started getting there by 7:30.  The kids and my friend Seana got there around 8am.  The turnout was amazing, the costumes and outfits were hysterical (including a woman who was in a full-body stocking that made it appear that she was nearly naked!), and the teams were so wonderful to see.  I had the opportunity to meet people that I've only had the chance to talk with on-line (Wanda!!!), to see others that I haven't seen in too long (Randi, Erin, Laura...), and to meet others that I've wanted to meet for a while (Jasmine, Andy).  It was amazing to walk around and have people say hello, know who I am, and to recognize so many friendly faces.

The race started on time, with the 1-mile runners starting at 8:45, followed shortly thereafter by the singing of the National Anthem (next year, this will happen sooner), then the running of the 5-k'ers.  I didn't walk or run (for a variety of reasons), but this worked out well since I was able to take a breather, then walk around, greet people, and just work the crowd, so to speak.

After the race was over, we had a survivor ceremony that I spoke at.  It was truly a humbling, wonderful, honored experience to be able to stand up in front of this crowd that meant so much to me last year, but to be up there this year as a survivor and one of the people that helped this event come to fruition.

Needless to say, I'm tired.  I'm pooped, but it's that kind of exhaustion that comes with a good feeling of success.  Jasmine asked me if this was like when I got married, and it was funny - that's exactly how I was thinking I was going to describe it when I wrote this blog.  It's truly like your wedding day, in that all of this planning goes into the day, then on the actual day of the event, it's over before you know it.  And, you didn't get any of the pictures that you wanted, you didn't get to do nearly what you thought you would be able to do, but it was wildly successful nonetheless.

So, as promised, here are the photos....

My girlfriend Randi, me and a lady that we convinced to wear the panties that she had stashed in her pocket.  She wasn't going to, but with our amazing skills, we got her to put them on.  She came up to me after the race and thanked us (she said my sister and I - Randi is a sister of my heart, to be sure) for getting her ready to take this step.  She said she didn't know anyone with this disease but she wanted to help.  So, I formally introduced myself to her, called her friend, and now, she's stuck with me and the cause.  :-)

 

Randi and her family allowed us to use her mother's story and picture in our "Faces of Colon Cancer" display.  This came out unbelievably amazing - so much better than I could have ever planned for.

 

Two of my sisters-of-the-heart, Randi and Erin.

 

Racing in the undies, despite the chilly temps.  (Chilly is relative - I think it was 70 by the time I left at 11:30.)

 

This couple had me in stitches - THIS is what makes this race so fun!

 

There were several dogs there in undies...

 

My fellow board member and survivor Anne's Faces display.

 

The view...

 

Kevin, me, Shelia, and Anne - the survivors on the board.

Racing...

 

We had a wall for people to post "In Honor Of" and "In Memory Of" and tell others who they were there racing for.  Very emotional and very powerful.

 

The dogs were so fun to watch - there's nothing funnier than seeing a dog in boxers! 

 

I displayed the quilt my aunt made me, and it was such a huge hit.  There had to have been hundreds of pictures taken of it today, and people were just completely in love with it.  This WILL be my signature piece - thanks again, Aunt Nancy!

 

My good friend Anissa and me.  The shirt is from Cancer Treatment Centers of America, and the saying is "Whoever said winning isn't everything never had to fight cancer!"  Damn straight!

 

Anne and me.

 

My new friend Vera and my quilt.  She lost her dad to this disease earlier this year, and has become an advocate.  She's amazing.

 

 Another puppy!

 Ariel is one of the doctors that has been influential in getting this race up and going, and making it so successful.  She sang the National Anthem for us (and did an amazing job) and she is someone I'm proud to call friend.

 

This is Wanda.  She and I met on-line and I've been talking with her through her journey - she just completed  chemo (which you wouldn't know by looking at her!), and she's truly an inspiration.  We have spoken several times, but this was the first time we have ever met in person.  I was so happy to finally give her a hug.  She's amazing, and I'm SO PROUD of her.  Love you, Wanda! 

All in all, this was an amazing event to be a part of.  I wish that my family could have been here, but that's what next year will be for.  Meantime, it's time to start working the March events (Dress in Blue Day, the Bike Rally, and the Phoenix Suns game to benefit the CCA), and to get started on next year's Undy.

First, I'm going to take a nap, maybe have a glass of wine, and relish in the success that was today. 

T-Minus 10 hours....

Holy bejeepers - did I just type that?  Crikies....

Anyways, today was completely, totally filled with Undy stuff.  Day started by sleeping in a bit (though I don't know that hitting the snooze from 4:15 until 5:30 counts as sleeping in...), then getting the kids up and going.  Got Julia ready for her picture retakes today (since she was sick during the first take), then took the kids to daycare.  Headed off to pick up diapers, breakfast, and pants for the race tomorrow.  Then, back to the house to clean it up (two reasons - I didn't want to have to worry about it tomorrow or Sunday, and I have guests coming over tonight...), then off to meet up with everyone at the warehouse.  We picked up all the materials for tomorrow, then off to lunch with the CCA ladies (thanks again - I love Mediterranean food - just wonderful!), then off to the hotel to put together the team bags.  Home after that. Pick up the kids, back home to pull a couple of things together.  Dinner, then two stores, then home.  Got everything ready for tomorrow, and now I am sitting here with my glass of White Zin, waiting for Seana and her daughter to get here.

Tomorrow will start at around 4am, at the race by 6am.  Registration starts at 7:30, race at 9:00.

Holy crap.  I'm tired.

I wanted to take a little time to record what I was feeling today.  It was a very cool day.  But, it was also more emotional than I was expecting.  I was okay until we started lading the team bags up with boxers, race bibs and survivor caps/visors.  That was hard - one team had seven survivors.  Seeing more names that I care to admit that I recognized was hard.  Then, I came across Kim's team's bags.  That was harder than seeing my own. 

I think that, while I realize that I'm a survivor, I don't think about it.  I mean, I do, but not in the same way.  I don't mourn what's gone, what I lost, because I got through.  Kim didn't.  A year ago, at last year's Undy, Kim and I met.  She had just been diagnosed, and she later told me that what I told her that day was inspirational and made her feel like she could keep on fighting.  I made a difference in someone's life.  It was my great pleasure to know her.  And, today, I teared up at the thought that she can't be here with us tomorrow.

I don't know if I can adequately tell you how I was feeling.  It was sorrow.  That seems to be the best word.  And yet, there's hope.  Perhaps this year, I will be able to talk with someone and make their day a little brighter.  Perhaps this year, the Undy will be to them what it was to me - a true awakening and realization that I'm not the only 30-something colon cancer survivor in Arizona.

I know that I will see some of you at the Undy tomorrow - I hope that you find me.  I will be busy, but not to busy to do what I know is more important - take the time to talk with those that mean SO MUCH to me.

9.5 hours from now, I will be on-site.  Kim - let me know you're there.  I'm going to need it tomorrow.