Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Anticipation

My next PET scan is scheduled for next Friday, and I'm glad for it.  At the same time, I dread it.  Anyone who's been through a cancer scare or cancer battle understands what I'm talking about.  You want the reassurance that you're healthy and still cancer-free (or, for some, maintaining your current level of cancer, rather than it increasing).  Yet, at the same time, you don't want to hear the results because there might be a chance that you'll hear bad news.  Once you've completed your test, your emotions are on a roller coaster until you hear the results.  (No news must mean good news, right?  Or, why haven't they called - something must be wrong if they haven't called me yet.)

*sigh*

So, I'm on the "before" roller coaster of this round of PET scanning.  I'm happy to be checked out (hey, let's get anything in the early stages) and yet, what if they DO find something.  And that's what I get mad.  BRING IT, cancer.  Beat you once.  I'll kick your ass again.  (grinning wickedly)

I try not to live my life scan to scan, but it's an inevitable thing.  Once you are in remission, most people's expectations are that your life will return to normal.  For those not having gone through this battle, normal means "before cancer" normal.  For those of us on the other side of that life-changing event, normal becomes relative.  What's normal on Monday might not be normal on Friday.  You get used to being happy with what you have on a given day, and learn to make the best of whatever life throws at you.

Today, normal for me means living in anticipation of my PET scan next week.  It means wondering if this cold that I'm fighting for the fourth time since October means that my cancer has spread to my lungs, and I'll get horrific news when I see Dr. O. on the 21st.  It means wondering if I'll be able to have another 6 months of not worrying, or if this will be the start of another battle.

Until next Friday rolls around, I'll continue living this version of normal.  And, I'll enjoy it.  I started working at Lowe's last weekend - it's exhausting, but I think it's the right thing to do.  I miss my children terribly, and I wish Levi and I had more time together.  But, I'm here.  Some days, that's enough.

(rolling shoulders)  Whatever next week brings, I'm ready.  (triumphant music fade-out....)

2 comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. It will be a hard week, but you'll get through it!

crabbymonty said...

I hear ya about the "new normal", and it sure isn't anything like the before normal.

We find out our PET scan results tomorrow and I am a bit worried myself.

Good luck with your scan!

Clear thoughts are being sent your way for another 6 months of no worries.

Eric