Thursday, April 5, 2012

Emotional Day

As I got closer to today, I realized that I'm nervous.  I don't know why - it's not that I don't trust CTCA.  I think it's that I'm anxious about how things are going to go.  In the past, my drs appts have been pretty predictable.  I go in, get on the dreaded scale, head to the room, they take my vitals, and I sit and wait for the dr or PA.

Today's (and this week's) visits are going to change that.  I think I'm in for a new experience, and one that will change my expectations about this whole journey I'm on.

Over the past few years, I've become more superstitious than I think even I realized.  Each time I feel like things are going well and I start to relax, something happens that puts me back on high alert.  This time, high alert took on a whole new level.  Just when I felt like I was heading towards the words "You're cured" I heard "Your cancer's back".  Not exactly what I had imagined.

So, having hope and feeling optimistic about this appointment today makes me a little nervous.  Am I expecting too much?  Am I holding CTCA up on a pedestal, setting myself up for a true letdown of meltdown proportions?  Will another place I've come to trust let me down?

God, I hope not.  I think today is going to be emotional - if things go as well as I'm hoping, it will be a sense of relief and hope and teamwork and love.  If things don't pan out today and something goes awry, I'm not sure my psyche can handle it.  I think that's what has me edgy.

I know I'm in rough waters.  Emotionally, I go back and forth.  I feel hopeful and warrior-like one minute, and depressed and frustrated and tore-down the next.  I think this is normal - I can't imagine how it isn't.  Three weeks ago, I thought I was on the tail-end of remission, well on my way to a cure.  I thought that life was going pretty smoothly, and this was all behind me.  Then, I got slapped upside the head with this cancer coming back, and my life changed, in a heartbeat.  I went from "I've got the rest of my life to live" to "Will I be here next year?".  That's a hell of a jump, especially at 35.  No one should have to think about those things when they are this young.

Isn't it funny how our perception of age changes as we get older.  I know that, at one point in my life, 35 seemed old.  Now, it seems way too young, especially with what I'm going through.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble.  Just thought I'd get my thoughts down and hopefully help my emotional status.  I do think today is going to be fairly emotional.  I'm really hoping that it's in a good way - a sense of relief, of optimism, of love, of true, unbridled teamwork.

I only hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment.


Tina said...

Michelle, I understand the back and forth~crazy mixed up feelings! I think it helps that you are being honest with yourself and working out those feelings.
I'll be thinking of you as you go through your appointments at CTCA. By writing about your experiences, you are helping a lot of other people make the right decisions about their care!

Carol Pack Urban said...

I think every cancer patient / survivor has these feelings of worry and doubt, disappointment and fear. I know I do each and every time I see the oncologist. Even just walking in the center makes me want to throw up. I think you are in the best place possible. You have an excellent support system and even though I'm on the east coast, and not physically there with you, I'm only a phone call away.

I'm Nic. said...

Keep sharing your thoughts...we are listening.

steffy said...

My husband feels the same every time we head to the doctor or feels sick - its part of the Post Trauma Stress that comes with having cancer. I personally as a caretaker of him, have it as well.

I always say that just because the cancer is gone, the cancer is never gone.

Stay strong & Focused but most of all be kind and patient with yourself.

steph h

Amie said...

It's okay Michelle to feel those up and down moments- this is a journey that none of us could ever possibly understand. But...we are all here for you during the good and bad moments. Live those moments, feel those moments and then say goodbye to them and that is the best you can do!!! Stay strong and be who you are cuz that is the Michelle we love :)