Today, I feel very much like I did in the days immediately following my original diagnosis in May of 2008. I didn't know what I didn't know, and that terrified me. I made a conscious choice back then to *not* look at treatment options, etc., on google or other sites, and I've done the same this time around.
The difference today is that I know enough about what *might* be coming that I'm terrified. Having gone through this twice now, I know that this potential new cancer will likely have a significant impact on my lifespan.
This terrifies me, more than I can tell you.
I understand enough about cancer in general to recognize that battling two cancers is difficult, at best. I understand that there are going to be questions that no one is going to have answers to, and I hate that. I want to have a game plan NOW, and we don't. I want to know what I'm facing, and I can't possibly have an idea.
I don't like that.
So, I'm trying to take each moment as it comes to me. I'm doing my damndest to not panic, and to not do what I most want to do, which is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I fully expect that I will do this later today, as I can feel it building. I also want to find out what the treatment options are, what we could be looking at based on the size of the mass, but I can't. Doing so is just going to bring up more questions that I don't have answers to, and seems like it will be counterproductive.
Instead, I'm trying to get through today without vomiting. My panic and worry and fear has kicked nausea in, big time, and I've been medicating with some mild anti-nausea meds to try to keep things in check. (Thank you, also, to peppermint and lavender essential oils, peppermint gum, and water.....lots of water...)
We all just finished cleaning the house, and I'm about ready to jump in a warm shower and try to relax. I'm hopeful that this will help calm me down. On second thought, I may go for a walk before I shower. That's a better option.
Keep me in your thoughts, please. I'm definitely struggling this time around, and I need the support. I hate this, more than I can tell you. I can't even put to words how much I hate this.
One of the things I'm most terrified of doing is telling Julia and Kevin about this newest find. I just don't want to do it. At all. Ever.
She's going to be devastated. I hate being the cause of such pain and suffering for my children, for my family. I wish I could just stop it all, and have this be over. We all desperately need a break from this medical nightmare we've been living in for the past 5 years....